2009
10.22
destitution
americanized plotting
blotting out the sun
amending impossible forgiveness
lost and yet always found
finding the ways of myself
though never changing the bedsheets
i sleep under the bed
where the dirt will comfort my head sinking
attempts at chewing reality
but only finding toothless decay
there has to be another way
cliche and depressed
i waste the breath in my chest
debating the nonsense
the contents of these statements
the bless-ed thoughts we take for granted
turn to shit when you digest them
contemplating all i’ve thought
all i’ve bought with this wish for the betterment of time
all i’ve fought for
worn down and beaten
weakened in theory
strengthened in practice
i’ve lost all my tactics
tactless and immaculate
my follies rolling down this hill
this muddy hill wet with purpose
driving my own hearse
these words terse
flowing out my head
better left for dead
not nearly enough tears have been shed
accountable for only the bank statements
made dry
shy children peeking their heads around
my tainted abilities shrill and filthy
winding my way into squaredom
bored into circular logic
passtime in no time
white wine and vomit
2009
10.21
You know
when you scream “I HATE YOU”
I hear something more like “I LOVE YOU BUT CAN’T ADMIT IT”
and that’s why I smile.
Not because I’m a dick.
You take that back.
2009
10.21
recollections of past infections sordid affections between new selections deceptions and re-connections since the inception requiring more inflection I survived revived inside swallowed some pride and occasionally lied saving face for every day I tried sighed and quietly died inside but I confide that this is all too dramatic, fake and plastic snap back like elastic re-wrap this and repackage mind the static and relax it’s fine only a matter of time as I unwind rewind and let these lines shine watching signs and minding the lines as I jerk the wheel just to see how it feels to finally be free of the sea of shit in me this empty apathy or maybe it’s just way too vain and afraid likely insane and probable not to fade but to remain the way I was made so dormant it lays waiting to be enslaved and repaved unphased mentally disabled like kids at the rave waiting to be saved or just for the day when they learn the proper way to say they may be repaid for the price of the sin they’re living in never learnin the lesson hidden within the ragin din dancin within rhythm all dreamin to die survive inside swallow some pride and occasionally lie save face for every day you try sigh and quietly die inside.
2009
10.20
There are two types of secret
No matter how well you manage to keep it
There are the ones you keep from everyone else
And the ones you hide from yourself
I’m not sure what kind you are to me.
2009
10.19
i am falling in love with poets i don’t know because the internet was created
to train your eyes to the screen instead of a stranger’s face
and your fingers to the keyboard instead of in his hair.
i sat outside briefly with a cigarette that looked like a poorly rolled joint
and a man with corduroy pants sang a song as he unlocked his bicycle
but then he rode away.
i am lonely, i do admit, but mostly for words meant for me and conversation
and you know, maybe an awkward shrug or a half-smile;
i am a sucker for those.
and there’s been a few things, yes, like spinning around
on a flat roof-top with some rum like some goddamned indie flick
and a different blonde boy who lights matches one-handed…
but there are also things like falling off of couches when your best friends leave
and you still think there’s a party to be had, somewhere right now, you swear it.