02.05
Quintessence is the fifth and highest essence
that permeates all nature and is the substance
that the heavenly bodies are composed of. Impotence
is the state of no sex in heaven. Or if there is
sex in heaven, it will technically have to be masturbation,
because everyone is one and the same in heaven.
Hell is having nothing to read but your own
poems. A psychiatrist is someone with a hanging
psychiatric shingle outside his door. A prostitute
is someone who sucks dick for a living.
A dangling participle is a relative clause
in an ambiguous sentence, or it’s a life sentence
in a man with erectile dysfunction. For example:
“Jerry Remy hit an RBI single off Haas’s leg,
which rolled into right field.” You would think
the leg rolled into right field. You would think
getting to first base with a girl would give you
a boner as hard as a baseball bat. All we know
is that Remy got to first base and someone
scored. Whoever it was, he must have been very
happy. He probably got an erection. He probably got
a raise in pay and self-esteem, and he probably
had an erector set when he was a kid. My mother
never bought me an erector set. And my father never
learned to speak English very well. He thought
a home run was something you did when your mother
forgot to pick you up after your baseball game.