Just yesterday I pushed the growing stack of bills off my slimming stack of ladies magazines, and kablow! Right there on the cover in big bold letters, the magazine told me, “STAY SKINNY”. My first thought was that 65.2% of Americans don’t have any idea what this magazine is talking about since we are already overweight. And my second was, “Fuck them. I look fine just the way I am.” But sadly, my third thought was to look up the page number and find out exactly how to “stay skinny”. Unsurprisingly, the secret was a combination of diet and exercise. Tips, that again can only be blocked out by thick cave walls.

I hope you don’t mind if I speak for us non-cave-dwellers, but personally I’m sick of being told what to do by a bunch of skinny bitches. We are the majority. We have the power, but these days I’m afraid the only way for us to exert our power is to sit on our opponents. Still I wonder, how did so many of us end up as fat asses?

There must be a reason why we are all packing on the pounds. Could it be the dissolution of freedom and commitment that this country and planet once had. Uh… no. Could it be the crippling self-hatred spawned by the media’s idea of perfection? I still don’t think so. Maybe it’s the huge availability and affordability of 2000 calorie, orgasmic meals. Closer. It must be the combination. A dying country and planet inhabited by people who eat happiness at McDonalds because they are crippled by self hatred. Yeah, that about sums it up.

But if we keep sitting on our fat asses, they are just gonna get fatter. Not cause we’re sitting, but because America is force feeding us something akin to butter wrapped in bacon, dipped in chocolate, and the effort it will take to change that into apples and oranges is akin to an triathlon, followed by a boxing match, followed by Forest Gump’s idea of “running”. But until we can change the way America treats its pets (and by pets I mean us), I recommend using those asses to make changes that actually encourage people to be healthy and happy, and not just “skinny”.

© Tchiki Davis, 2009

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