amphibi.us » Humor

Coffee Sucks

Shannon Peil — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 18:21:45 +0000

Coffee sucks.

But if we stop drinking coffee… What will that do to the environment? Suddenly, Starbucks is precariously perched on the brink of bankruptcy… Hundreds of thousands of workers are faced with losing their jobs. Tens of thousands of Brazilian coffee bean field workers will riot in the streets because they will no longer be making 4 pesos a day. The chaos in Brazil will undoubtedly spark wild fires that will burn large portions of the Amazonian Rain Forests!

Viva La Revolution!!!

Without these rain forests, CO2 will sky rocket and suddenly global warming is no longer an Al Gore Revival meeting, but the real deal. Ice caps melt, New York is flooded, California is gone, the markets collapse, the country is purchased for 4 dollars and some canned peas, every American learns Chinese within the year. Americans revolt and one crazed military official pushes “the button” rather than live under oppressive, foreign rule. I mean, we are AMERICANS, right? We should be doing the oppressive foreign ruling. And then, BAM. Nuclear winter…

We need to save the world and go to Starbucks.

Because we don’t want the nuclear winter. I mean… I know I am busy and all but I think I can take 5 minutes out of my day to buy a mocha. To save the world.

And maybe we’ll get our names on a plaque.

© Brad Matheson/Matt Swaffer, 2009

[others]

Awkward

Shannon Peil — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:55:09 +0000

Some situations are just naturally really awkward
Like you couldn’t get more awkward if you were a turtle on your back or something.
Kicking those little legs.

Like that time your mom asked me if I needed a glass of water
And I said, “Sure, I’d love some”

And she goes, “I bet you would!”

Because I was all sweaty
And you were still naked.

Cotton?

Shannon Peil — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:27:29 +0000

I’m glad to have seen your commercial

I had no idea how versatile and useful your product was

What was it called again? Cotton?

What the fuck is that? I’m glad you are advertising it.

Secret will

Shannon Peil — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 23:38:05 +0000

When I finish writing my will, I’m going to begin on another secret will. In this one, I will outline to my best friend (who will know who they are) exactly where all my porn is, and anything that I need them to dispose of immediately. I will also tell them every deep secret and things that need to covering up before the shock of my death has worn off. That way, they will have ample time to lie about or fix anything I did wrong before anyone gets mad at me. Most importantly however, they will wipe my browser history and delete my porn, or keep it. And don’t forget about the magazines in the closet. No, I don’t use them. I just have found it exceedingly inconvenient to try to sneak them into the garbage for the past 10 years.

I think this should be the standard for best friends in the event of someone’s death, and will be a great honor. I promise now and forever, not to judge a dead friend for any weird fetish they had, or any creepy self-taken nude pictures left behind.

In conclusion, if I name you in my secret will at any point, you will be held responsible and accountable for the affairs of my estate to be taken care of. Be honored. And don’t forget the magazines.

Not a dick

Shannon Peil — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:30:21 +0000

You know

when you scream “I HATE YOU”

I hear something more like “I LOVE YOU BUT CAN’T ADMIT IT”

and that’s why I smile.

Not because I’m a dick.

You take that back.

© Shannon Peil, 2009

[others]

Thankful

Shannon Peil — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 04:16:16 +0000

I am thankful.

For having you here.

For being able to tell you all my secrets.

For nuzzling my neck when I wake up.

For keeping the bed warm, for laying a leg across me.

It’s just too bad that you are a cat.

© Shannon Peil, 2009

[others]

Bark, Bark, Bark

Shannon Peil — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 22:26:19 +0000

You looked at me as if

I had just kicked a puppy

Like I had done something so awful

To something that truly didn’t deserve it.

But it was barking so loud.

© Shannon Peil, 2009

[others]

Our house

Shannon Peil — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 20:49:22 +0000

Don’t you remember?

We were going to paint our house neon green

And all our friends were going to live there

And the living room was a ball pit.

Remember the kitchen was going to have 2 refrigerators? Just because?

And I told you it’d be cool if there was a fully sealed shower box

So that you could fill it up and hang out in a scuba suit.

You were going to put a slide in, next to all the stairs

And I wanted a room in the center of the house to be a jungle.

Like a real one.

How could you not remember?

The floors were going to be trampolines, with padded walls

And bubble machines on every ceiling, oh man.

And the whole house would be in a tree.

Don’t you remember?

What the hell, man. Your house is nothing like that.

[others]

Honesty

Shannon Peil — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:33:08 +0000

Next time some dude that you work kind of near by,
Or the girl that sometimes makes you coffee,
Or that old guy that always nods at you on your way down the street,
Or even that one chick that makes small talk with you while she cuts your hair -

Next time these people ask you, “How’s it going?”

Actually tell them. They deserve the truth. And maybe next time they won’t bother asking you.

Probably because you are depressing and don’t understand social etiquette very well.

[others]

Totally deep

Shannon Peil — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 00:26:54 +0000

I was in a really introspective mood today

Totally deep.

I’ve been thinking pretty hard about my childhood

And how I got to be the person I am today

Like those experiences that stay with you forever

That’s kind of like what I was thinking about.

Like this one time Danny and I were doing nitrous in the park behind this highschool

That we didn’t even go to. We were talking about this girl I thought

I might be possibly entertaining the idea of considering being attracted to, sometimes

Like after a drink or two.

And told him that maybe it wasn’t really her that I was attracted to

But rather just me trying to escape the rigors of adolescence -

Like the crushing loneliness and feelings of inadequacy, the nervousness

Of always being horny, or hungry

Or both

And the bad skin.

And he goes, ‘Maybe.’